I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
