I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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