ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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