I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
