pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Randomize
