I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
