At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
