I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
