I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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