At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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