AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Randomize
