He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
We need to get me chipped asap
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
