god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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