somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Randomize
