I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Randomize
