i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
