If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
