I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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