they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Randomize
