I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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