i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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