I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
