you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
