Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Randomize
