The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Randomize
