4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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