Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
