Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
