i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
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