she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
