Three words: puerto rican gang bang
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
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