is your mom at the bar?
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
So apparently I’m into choking now
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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