I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
