chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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