Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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