I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
