would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
