i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
