dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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