you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
