The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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