Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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