I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
