I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
