Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
