I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
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