please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
My ass is underappreciated
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Randomize
