There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
