one might say we're banned from that church
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
