he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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